Saturday, December 19, 2015, Poush 5, 1422 BS, Rabiul Awal 6, 1437 Hijri

Career Counselling
Published :Saturday, 19 December, 2015,  Time : 12:00 AM  View Count : 204
Md Salim Hossain is Assistant Professor of Psychology Department of Dhaka University. He is also convener of Psychology Reading Club and adviser of Bdlisteners dotcom. He will advise on different psychological and career-related problems. You can send you questions and write-ups through our email [email protected] or facebook page Eduvista.
I have always been pampered because of being the eldest child. Currently I am studying in MBBS 2nd year. My parents love me so much that I get all things I want immediately. I am so much stubborn and grumpy since my childhood because of this pampering-I think like that. But sometimes grouchiness goes far beyond the limit that I cannot control myself-I cut my hand with blade, take soporific drug, misbehave with all people around me. I have been suffering from depression. The person I love stay in another city for the sake of study. I talk to him regularly over phone. I show anger from the very beginning of our tryst. Our relationship has crumbled only because of my ill-temperedness. During the time of quarrel, I cannot restrain myself though I can understand that my anger is uncalled-for and that he is being hurt. I feel like killing myself when I can realise that he is going away because of me.
Unwilling to publish name Comilla

Thanks for sharing your issues. It's really nice to know that you have realized the effects of your actions. You have shared two issues here. One is your parenting issues and the other one is your current relationship issues. Interestingly, both are interrelated. Many people often do self-destructive behavior and of course you should not completely blame your parents for that. It seems you have lots of pent-up emotions in you and for various reasons you couldn't express that properly in a healthy way. All these pent-up emotions are a kind of psychic energy which mounted up within you for long time. People sometimes fail to learn to cope-up with such psychic energy in a healthy way due to proper modeling, lack of knowledge or unawareness of alternatives to cope-up. If you don't know to soothe yourself in a healthy way, you are in risk to engage in self-destructive behavior. And such self-destructive behaviors are a way for them to communicate to the world unseen & previously unexpressed suffering that hasn't been dealt properly.
Many people do these behaviors have done them for years. One of the reasons they may still be struggling is that they have focused only on the behavior, rather than looked at what's underneath it. The issue is, has the pain that drives the behavior been addressed? Have you been taught other ways to cope and communicate? Have you worked on learning how to respect and love yourself? The self-harmer fights against that part of him or herself by feeling guilt, shame, and self-hatred.
In such cases, the fight originates in fear and anxiety. This might lead to depression in them. I think your relationship issue is a byproduct of your unexpressed emotions. I suggest you immediately to contact with a counseling psychologist. For this you can contact with the Eduvista team. However, till then you can take some free hand physical exercise, take a regular walk or you can play regularly some games that is a bit physically demanding.

I had fallen in love with a girl I had been teaching two years ago. But somehow her family came to know about our affair and stopped the tuition. Nonetheless I met with the girl. So at a point, they sent the girl to her maternal uncle's home to stop our rendezvous. But after a few days, they brought her back and I continued to contact her. A few days ago, she stopped contacting me. I tried hard to contact her but I failed. I love her so much that I cannot express it in words. I want to get her as my life partner. She is 16 years old. Please tell me, what can I do now?
Zakir, Dhaka

Dear Zakir, I completely understand your feelings for your beloved ones. However, the way you want to get her is not really admiring. She is 16 years now. This means you started tutoring her at the age of 14. You know this is such a crucial developmental stage for a teenager. At this time lots of physical changes occurs in their physique and psyche. Your affair at that time is really an immature one. Believe me, every parent in our socio-cultural context desires to handover their beloved daughter to a good, well-established, and well-educated person. You can understand that now they are not really ready to accept you. Moreover, they are feeling insecure of you. Their family is in a state of anxiety due to this immature relationship. If you really love her you should prepare yourself first. Get yourself well-educated & well-established. Then proceed in proper way. If your love still persists you will surely get her. And keep in mind, life is beautiful and full of alternatives. Best of luck!

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